Navigating conversations with people from outside of America can be a humbling experience, highlighting my own limited worldview. So, when Sour Skateboards suggested interviewing their newest Swedish pro, Simon Isaksson, I admit, I was a bit apprehensive. Here’s a guy who’s multilingual, sophisticated, and probably capable of fixing my broken IKEA furniture with his bare hands.
Luckily, the interview was conducted via email, allowing me to hide my American ignorance behind a series of absurd questions. My goal? To paint him as a typical Swedish weirdo. But Simon, thankfully, was happy to play along, even sending us a “documentary” about his life as an influential European skateboarder. After the interview, I’m convinced Simon is a jovial, well-endowed guy, and most importantly, I’m now an expert on all things Swedish. Victory for the American, once again!
I’ve heard that prostitution is technically legal in Sweden. If you ever needed some quick cash, would you consider selling yourself? And if so, how much would you charge?
I’m really bad at pricing anything, even if I were selling a skateboard behind Björn [Holmenä’s], our team manager’s back. I usually only sell stuff cheap to my friends, so I don’t think I would last long in that line of work.
In your opinion, who’s hotter, Swedes or Americans?
Probably Americans. They seem happy, and in most cases, they only exist in Swedish people’s imaginations. Not many Americans visit Luleå; that might even be a new and exciting event.
What’s one thing you think Americans should know about Swedes?
We’re quiet, a bit creepy, sleepy, and we’re forced to wear terrible pants and underwear.
And what’s one thing you’d like to know about Americans?
How are you so hyped and stoked all the time? Is it all the sugar and those huge coffees? Do you guys even sleep?
We don’t often interview people from outside the US. What are your general thoughts about us?
I visited San Francisco this past summer, and it was great for the first week. However, one thing that bothered me was the cost of basic necessities. The skate spots were better than I expected, it was easy to connect with people, and you have great pants and underwear in America. The rest is something I might reveal at a bar if I’m in a vulnerable state, but overall, it was a very interesting trip.
Growing up in Sweden, who were some of your favorite skateboarders and skate videos? Was Ali Boulala a big deal in Sweden?
Growing up in Sweden was great. I didn’t know there was much to skateboarding beyond hanging out with my friends. I’ve only started watching skate videos recently, mainly because I love seeing new spots and I find the filming process as fascinating as the skateboarding itself. Ali may have been a big deal in Sweden, but he wasn’t around to play, wax obstacles, sweep gravel, and shovel snow when I was growing up, so he wasn’t really on my radar.
Are there any unique Swedish words for skateboarding tricks?
We don’t talk much in general, so I guess we use the same words, but with a stronger Swedish accent.
Do you consider yourself a Pro or a Euro Pro? And which one attracts more ladies?
I’m definitely a Euro Pro. I don’t know much about the typical Pros, but they seem to have it all figured out. We Euro Pros spend most of our time walking along highways, hungry, trying to find a skate spot or a train to take us back. I imagine a Pro would take “the car” and eat something other than a bag of chips on a skate session. A Pro probably has more luck with the ladies since they can likely afford to go to the dentist. I’m answering this interview on antibiotics because my teeth were practically falling out just one week into the Euro Pro life. I’m excited to see what the future holds, but I hope to remain a Euro Pro, as no one would want my awkwardness at events or contests with the other title.
Do you know if your ancestors were Vikings? Do you ever tap into that Viking spirit when you’re skating or searching for new spots?
I’ve never thought about that, but it’s an interesting idea. I can definitely feel the urge to discover new territory, and there’s something strange that happens in my mind when I’m trying a trick for too long. It usually turns out well in the end, since I still haven’t been arrested.
I’ve heard Swedish guys have the world’s hardest erections because they need them to break through ice in the winter. Is this true? Have you ever used your erection for anything other than sex?
I’m sorry, but that is absolutely false. We would never try to break through the ice. If you fall in, you’ll freeze to death. And Sweden aims for extreme equality, so we can’t use it for anything else since half of the population doesn’t have the same opportunity.
I’ve read that in December, your town, Luleå, gets only about 3 hours of sunlight. What do you do to avoid going crazy? Do you engage in lots of… intimate activities?
Yes, and you’ll probably miss those three hours of sunlight as well since you’re not prepared for it. I can’t think of any specific hobbies, and since I wasn’t a Euro Pro back then, I didn’t have much luck with the ladies. I spent most of my time playing in the snow. No special health techniques except eating enough and trying not to get snow in your gloves and shoes.
A few years ago, Facebook built its first international data center in Luleå. Are you worried about Facebook spying on you?
Yes, I heard it’s because it’s the best location for naturally cooling down the servers and having plenty of space. Basically, it’s extremely cold with a lot of forest, which I actually appreciate. Too many people make me want to go to bed, and then I have nightmares about skateboarding in a T-shirt. So no, I’m not worried. I don’t have too much respect for the internet, and yet here I am, expressing myself in an online interview.
What happens in your nightmare where you’re skateboarding in a T-shirt?
I’m from a cold place, so I’m used to layering clothes, and I spend most of my skate sessions on the ground. I recommend fleece to the rookie skaters who have their tricks down. If they ever try my lifestyle, I can assure you it slides well and feels cozy.
Swedish people have their own Santa Claus, called Jultomten, but to get presents, you have to fight a reindeer. Have you ever fought a reindeer?
No, I haven’t, but the reindeer here are actually quite friendly. You can just walk right up to them as if you’ve been friends forever. Maybe that explains why I don’t have many Christmas presents under the tree.
Do you ever hunt reindeer or other animals?
My family really enjoys moose and reindeer meat, but I haven’t gone hunting. I’m just their lost kid who went to Spain and tries to find cheap potatoes. But perhaps hunting could be my future hobby, allowing me to tap into my Viking spirit to find free food and have a reason to be alone in the woods.
I’ve heard that IKEA will release its first skateboard in May 2018. Are you trying to get sponsored by IKEA?
I think I’m already on their flow team. I got an IKEA Family card with my name on it. They offer some pretty nice deals in their restaurant, and free meatballs are a big dream of mine. I eat there often, so they’ll probably start to recognize me soon. I hope 2018 is my year.
Interview: Nic Dobija-Nootens
Photos: Alexander Olivera
