Okay, before you start yelling about how skateboarding is an art, not a sport, I get it. I’m not here to argue for skateboarding in the Olympics; in fact, I’m against it. However, it seems like that battle is already lost. Rumors are flying that skateboarding is on the shortlist for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, and big names like Chris Cole and Tony Hawk are publicly supporting it.
Of course, some questions arise when considering skateboarding in the Games. (Is marijuana a “performance-enhancing drug?” And if so, how will they find enough sober athletes?) But the biggest question is what form this fluid activity will take once it becomes a sport.
My only hope is that whatever version gets wedged between synchronized swimming and racewalking looks as little like the skateboarding I’ve been doing with my friends since I was ten. The further Olympic Skateboarding is from real skateboarding, the better chance our subculture has of surviving mainstream dilution.
With that in mind, here are four skateboarding “events” I’m willing to let the Olympic organizers have…
jenkem_rings
1. Downhill and Slalom
Going fast while doing tricks is undeniably cool; just check out any Busenitz clip for proof. But once going fast becomes the trick, all the coolness evaporates. Downhill skateboarding has everything the Olympics wants: it’s easy to judge based on time, not style; it promises high speeds and spectacular wipeouts; and the athletes wear those tight, ridiculous outfits. What more could TV producers ask for?
The same logic applies to slalom. While weaving between cones is fun while cruising down the street, setting up cones specifically for that purpose is inherently silly. Plus, have you seen the footage of the Canadian guy who holds the world record for skateboard slalom? That dude deserves a gold medal for the comedy of his technique and hairstyle alone. It’s precisely this kind of over-the-top dedication to a somewhat ridiculous activity that makes it perfect for the Olympics. Downhill and slalom are speed-focused disciplines that are easily quantifiable, making them a natural fit for the Olympic stage.
jenkem_downhill
2. Megaramp
The Megaramp is so extreme that it broke the femur of the guy who practically invented gnarly skateboarding. It’s so gnarly that it’s barely skateboarding; it’s stuntboarding to the max. This would draw huge crowds eager to see kids doing 1080’s and people falling so hard their shoes fly off. The pure spectacle of Megaramp skateboarding is what would appeal to a wider audience.
As a skateboarder who has never even attempted a ramp taller than two Mitchie Bruscos, I’d gladly give this stunt-skating to the Olympic gods. Any activity that requires athletes to train as hard as Danny Way and his mega-mace is not for everyday people. It is a sport best left to Olympian-level talent. It’s got the danger, the huge air, and the potential for jaw-dropping crashes – everything the Olympics loves.
jenkem_megaramp
3. S.K.A.T.E.
Flatground skating has recently become dominated by circus tricks, so why not bring that three-ring carnival of flippery to the Olympics by turning S.K.A.T.E. into an event? This is a real opportunity for groms to go from the flat bottom of their local miniramp to the pinnacle of athletics. S.K.A.T.E. offers the strategic and mental elements that can appeal to a different type of viewer.
With the Olympics’ cutting-edge technology, questionable toe-drags will become a thing of the past, as competitors will wear super-sensitive sensors on their shoes for ultimate accuracy. However, highly popped tricks will count just the same as ground spinners – Sorry, Luan! It’s a game of skill, strategy and technical mastery which translates well to the competitive nature of the Olympics.
jenkem_skate
4. Halfpipe
As someone who grew up watching Bob Burnquist battle Tony Hawk in the X-Games vert walls, it pains me to give the halfpipe to the Olympics. But marketing trumps nostalgia, and the prospect of America’s favorite ginger, Shawn White, (pictured above) becoming the fifth athlete to win gold in both the Summer and Winter Games would create great publicity and clickable headlines for any sports website. The combination of nostalgia and potential for a “crossover athlete” makes this a viable Olympic option.
However, instead of the improvisational mastery of Vov, imagine a vert skater’s run like a gymnast’s floor routine: highly regimented and planned for maximum points. Judges will have lists of each skater’s proposed runs, judging them based on difficulty and execution. If a Belgian skater does a stalefish instead of a stinkbug as planned, he’ll be docked. Olympic skateboarding is about preparation and precision, not about free-wheeling soul-skating. The structure and scoring system make it easily digestible for casual viewers.
jenkem_white
In conclusion, while the idea of skateboarding being in the Olympics might be jarring to some purists, if it’s going to happen, these four “events” are the most suitable options. They represent disciplines within skateboarding that can be quantified, judged, and appeal to a broader audience without compromising the core of what skateboarding is all about. They allow core skateboarding to remain untouched by the inevitable dilution into the mainstream.
Words: CK
Illustrations: Walker Miller, see more of his work on his website (gnarfiction.com)
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